Cat's 9th Life

Christmas is here, I think.

2010-12-25T14:43:00.000-08:00

Christmas day and it is a good one. I am glad to be here and feeling healthy and in less pain. I am, however, worried about my memory. It seems that have forgotten that I had this blog. It's not like I am super busy or involved in high level work. I'm a regular person doing regular stuff and I forgot.

Like so many other things, life took off. I had applied for disability and some jobs. I was writing and have tried to National Novel Writing months since posting here last. I've been in severe pain. I've been vary happy. I've been to the Sierra Nevada mountains. I've gained weight and lost weight.

I got busy.

I don't even remember meaning to write.

I am here because I wanted to follow another blog and had to sih=gn in. Then WHAM! I was looking at all the blogs I was in charge ofa nd all the blogs I follow.

I m back doing what I love a little every day.

I hope that each of us does what we love everyday.

Why Friends Matter

2009-05-22T20:24:00.000-07:00

Last night I went on a garden tour. A local couple have been developing an edible garden for the past 15 years. It was eye opening, tasty, and beautiful. I could have stayed all night if not for the mosquitos. I need to find out what plants drive away mosquitos.

Every stop on our way around the yard had some amazing story, surprise fact, or a plant I've never heard of (there were loads of those). We ate something at most of the stops, service berries, edible flowers, leaves. Sometimes we enjoyed the smell of lemons fresh from the tree, pineapple sage, and a smelly leaf from a plant I forget.

The whole picture of a yard was green, lush, and alive. Years of trying new things, solving problems, enjoying successes. As I considered the friends I'd gone with and the new ones I'd met there, it occurred to me how much alike friends and gardens are. The more time you spend on them the richer they both are. It is cliché I know, but it is an axiom at this point.

I was there surrounded by thriving vegetation because of my connection to friends. One friend said under no uncertain terms that she would come by to pick me up. She did it, too! Another friend set up the tour. Several more arrived for the event. I've not felt this at peace since I was a child. Ironically, that was when I last had any semblance of a garden.

Tonight, I made my garden commitment. I bought soil and created my own raised bed garden. As I planted each start and seedling, I saw the group of us laughing and walking together. Filling my plot with fruits and veggies was a physical manifestation of friendship, a creation of that night in my own yard. Ultimately, a way to be there anytime I want, with my friends, and my plants. That matters to me.

Whine and Cheeses

2009-05-20T22:03:00.000-07:00

Two things came to my attention this week. First and especially embarrassing because I should remember, is that there are chronic illness groups that are more complaining about the illness then actual support to feel better. I'm all for venting, but when my inbox is filled by odes to pain and suffering, I feel worse. Then I delete everything wholesale. Then I miss something I really wanted to read. Then I fish through my trash folder trying to find it. Finally, I give up and move on.

The second thing that his me was the use of the word "cheeses" as a substitute for Jesus. One example is "Cheeses rice". I was told if you say it fast enough it's "Jesus Christ." If a person has to go to all that trouble, why not just learn something entirely different like "dirty laundry." An example of that in context, "You didn't get all your homework done? Dirty laundry!" What about this one, "yard waste," as in "Yard waste, I meant to go to the post office today."

My kids used to say "dentist." They got this from that Christmas special where they are all over Hermie, the elf that wants to be a dentist. It sounded so bad that the guys thought it was a swear word. For weeks I heard "You DENTIST!" whenever one or the other was mad. It was funny at first but then you really get the intent when your red-faced 5 year old want's his toy vacuum cleaner back from his brother.

I guess I'm on negativity. If you are feeling poorly, concentrate of the funny stuff. I you are angry, find an expressive word that doesn't hurt feelings. I try to ask myself one thing everyday, "Did I hurt more or help more today?" I am the only one who can change how I am in the world and how I perceive the world around me. I choose to be happy, and positive, you can bet your dog's leash on that!

Polly want a pain pill

2009-05-15T21:01:00.000-07:00

Remember when you were a kid and you got into a word war with a sibling? My sister and I would start picking at each other until feelings were really hurt. What started a simple disagreement became the feud of the century. It ended with the inevitable "You know what you are doing? You are talking about yourself!"

Well, I realized that when I blog, I talking to myself. It's like Mike Birbiglia's Secret Public Journal. The major difference is that I'm not funny, at least I'm not a trained professional. Reading back over my blogs, I discovered that I repeat myself a lot. How embarrassing!

But wait.

I have internalized these messages now. It's like I have to keep saying it, writing it, reading it, until it's in there. I am amazed how many times it takes to really get a hold on things. I like to fancy myself a smart person but my need to perseverate says otherwise. At least I can be metacognative about it. Thank goodness for all that college.

Thankfully, it's in there. Now I can get a parrot and teach it to repeat itself. What do you think of that, Marv?

Bump, thump, grump, grump

2009-05-06T14:26:00.000-07:00

I fell off the wagon for a few weeks. Just when I think I've hit the last bump, there is another one! No way! Seriously, no way! I don't have anything new diagnosis wise or otherwise. No, I get complacent. That is dangerous.

I start to feel good for a while. I can walk for thrity minutes. I can do yoga. I can sit and type this blog. Heck, I had even increased my sleep to two chunks of three hours. That is big news for me. Then I added just one to many things. I felt the wagon pull away and my methaphoric butt hit the rocky ground.

Ouch! Grump, grump!

Two things I must remember. One I have to maintain a schedule to keep the wagon under me. Two there will be more bumps all the time. Life is not bump free. I also don't have to let the bumps run my life. And there is always chocolate.

I contain my garden success!

2009-04-28T22:56:00.000-07:00

My container gardens are really booming! I have strawberries, tomatoes, lettuce, melons, cucumbers, and flowers. I am looking forward to expanding things a little when I put the melons in the ground so they can spread out. Ah the optimism is palpable.

Working on the gardens keeps my mind off the pain. I also am outside more. Sunshine and pre-occupation are great for diverting attention. I also learned that more pain doesn't mean new injury. What a load off my mind. Now, I'm off to take a load off my feet!

Mom's conspiracy theory- guess what? It's true!

2009-03-24T14:57:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, my mother often talked about planned obsolescence. She said it was building things so they would break. In my naive youth, I thought "How crazy is that?! Why make something if ti's just going to break?" As it turns out, mom was right.

I went to a website recommended by another friend. There in black and white and Adobe Flash player whatever, was a woman laying it all out for me. With crystal clarity and sequential precision Annie Leonard laid out where we are, how we got here, and what we can do about it.

I encourage everyone to drop by http://www.storyofstuff.com and read what my mother knew. I am forever changed by watching this. I can see that my ideas of happiness and well being are false ones designed by someone in an office somewhere. Never again.

We are the people, the one's who give consent to be governed. Remember that and act accordingly. Take your joy, happiness, and health back. I'm taking mine. We can be as happy as we were in the 1950's or earlier.

More news from the garden and the word processor

2009-03-23T18:49:00.001-07:00

Our carrots and lettuce have sprouted! I am so happy that I haven't killed everything. I've seen some action with the cucumbers and watermelon too. This is al very promising. The peppers and tomatoes that I bought at the farmer's market are still doing well, too.

It's amazing what I can do when I'm not in agony all the time. I will be going to a photography class tonight with a friend and my creative writing is really taking off. I'm working on a new short story that i hope to have out in the mail by next week. That makes 2 stories! Hurray!

Container garden update!

2009-03-10T13:20:00.000-07:00

At the farmer's market a few weeks ago, I bought some tomatoes and green peppers. About a week ago I repotted then in containers on my front porch. I hate those little plastic things they sell them in but that appears to be the way of things. Having freed them from their tiny restraints, they are growing nicely. Their new pots are much bigger and potting soil was top notch organic stuff.

So far they are still green. Standing tall in their news homes, they greet the sun each day. Thanks to my trusty Sunset Gardening book, I know where to put them and how much to water them. Even my son's $1.00 yellow flower if thriving. As an super bonus, a friend pointed out that we had garlic chives growing in our yard. I saved those from the mower and added them to the garden too. Excellent, fun, and very green!

Small victories!

2009-03-08T14:51:00.000-07:00

I made my hit counter work! Hurray! It's the little things like clean undies and a comfortable mattress that make or break a good day. Today it's html code and a green hit counter.

Trees show you which way the wind blows

2009-03-07T00:33:00.000-08:00

I saw the most amazing oak tree today. It had a thick trunk that spread into four large main branches. From there it fanned out in ever slimmer wooden fingers toward the sun. A swing hung from one branch high up. Simple tranquility in one spot.

It's restful just thinking about it. I can imagine the swing slowly working from back to front and back again. The cool spring air in my face and blowing my hair back. Or I can see myself laying down on a fuzzy blanket looking up through the rustling dark olive green leaves at the blue sky.

Trees are so many great things. They make clean air and shade. Boy do we need shade in the summer. They are natures jungle gyms and summer hiding places. Some bear fruit or nuts or olives. They are priceless contributors to the quality of all forms of life.

I feel life when I see a tree. The shadows when the wind blows are cast in dappled flickering waves, like an old motion picture. It is living meditation of peace and simplicity. I am so full of calm inside when I see a tree, I realize how little I need to be truly happy. The wind is blowing, toward simplicity, harmony, and a sweet tree house!

Sun, son, plants, and fun

2009-03-05T16:58:00.000-08:00

It has been rain-o-rama here. Three weeks or more of overcast, dirzzly, moist, misty, cold, wetness is a long time. Today, the SUN was out. There were still clouds in the sky but the glorious Sun was out!

I took the guinea pig and the bearded dragon out in the big yard. We just hung out. My son came out and joined us. He did some gardening, mostly cutting at various weeds. The lizard opened it's mouth wide and wandered a few steps from time to time.

Then we dug up some garlic chives. They are a huge bunch. We broke it into two sets and repotted them. I added these to the tomatoes, green peppers, and flowers on the front porch. The container garden is really coming along.

Awake in my own body

2009-03-02T09:50:00.000-08:00

I decided to get off the pain medication. I was concerned about several things. I didn't want to become dependent on it. My liver and kidneys don't need to be burned out before I'm old enough to retire. I want to be in my body, not someplace else.

One of my biggest concerns was the addictive qualities of morphine. I'm not one who likes alcohol and I never went for cigarettes. Still, I was concerned about the possibilities of addiction and dependence. After a few weeks, I felt like I'd gotten a break from the pain. This would also let me save some of the benefits of medications for later, if I had a major pain flare.

I love my internal organs, individually and as a team. A lot of talk in my pain management class revolved around the toll medication takes on the organs that clean the body systems. My kidneys were already getting low, as of my last blood work. Why not give them some time off the strong stuff? It couldn't hurt my liver either.

I like being pain free, who doesn't? However, there is this other quality about medication. Not detached but just out there. It makes the creative writing difficult. Maybe I need the pain to be able to write, I don't know. I want to find out.

To sum up: I'm off the morphine and feeling like I might be able to do this without medication. It will take time to get better at the chi building. I am still working on keeping myself in that 30% to 60% zone- how do you keep the flares down? pacing, pacing, pacing!

Getting down to it

2009-02-22T14:26:00.000-08:00

Last night I unfolded on my Tempurpedic mattress and breathed. In. Out. In. Out. In. The pain last night was break-through pain. That means the it came through the medication. The morphine extended release is losing it's ability to keep things to a number below 6, on the rate your pain scale 0-10. More accurately, my body is growing in tolerance to the medication. It was time for serious way finding.

I can't take medication forever. I can but they will all stop working at one time or another and I will be left with pain, again. I am working on the weight loss. I increasing my chi, I like that part. For once I can eat all kinds of thing and as often as I want, chi building things, veggies, fruits, nuts, rice, chi-rific! That change in point of view on the eating thing is another essay.

Acceptance is what's up to do. It's the hardest to do. The night before, I'd tried the Serenity prayer. I figured that I couldn't change the pain, I needed to find the way to taking it the way it is. Then I look into working on what I can change, my weight. While that gave me some measure of comfort, it didn't last for long.

I needed to ramp things up but it had to be meaningful and authentic, not just more lip service. I needed to be able to sleep and live life but the change, the acceptance, had to be on a fundamental level. I remembered something my mom told me years ago, the forgiveness exercise she learned. I forgive and love the elements in my life and myself. Settling down into my memory foam mattress I began:

I forgive you Catherine and I love you

I forgive you pain and I love you

This went on so long, it went from lines spoken in angered resignation to desperation, and finally pleading. At some point I was only the words, the sound of language through and voice box, the rising pitch and falling tone. I was the flow of the words, the meaning of words. I fell asleep then, not without pain, but without fighting pain.

Wailing of the soul

2009-02-20T18:24:00.000-08:00

With accepting and understanding what my boundaries are with regard to my chronic pain, comes a deep sadness, a wailing of the soul. I hate the sound. For now, here is what I can do:

Walk 30 minutes but no more that 40 or it's back to laying in bed or on the floor.
Stand for no more that 15 minutes- like doing dishes, watching nature, just standing not moving.
Sit for no more than 3o minutes without getting up, often even getting up makes do difference, pain comes and I'm done sitting.
Tai Chi 10 min day
Physical Therapy 15, 2 times a day
I can swim for 30 min if I haven't already walked.
I must lay down every hour or so for 15-20 minutes.

I remind myself of these things so that I see what I can do instead of saying what I can't. Can't is like torture, I no longer drive that car. I haven't worked in weeks. I don't want to go there. If I do the wailing is so loud my ear drums vibrate and roar. Then again, if I can't stand the sadness, maybe I haven't accepted anything.

Misc. Thoughts

2009-02-17T14:16:00.000-08:00

Morphine Extended Release?

There is an underlying fear that I will become some kind of pain med junkie. This is strange to me. On the one hand I am so afraid of becoming medicine dependent. On the other hand, when the medicine doesn't work anymore, I get ticked off and stop taking it.

Pain Psychosis

Has anyone ever studied the impact chronic pain has the daily functioning and reasoning capabilities of the brain? My guess is that the brain doesn't do so well.

Misc.

I don't know how to spell out the word "misc"

The Pain Stands Alone

2009-02-17T14:02:00.000-08:00

Today I fell a part. I was talking to the disability rep. I had a few questions. I want to desperately to go back to work. I want to teach. I said, "I can teach. I just don't have a credential for jobs in my area." My immediate crisis was that I screwed up my benefits. I can teach, that's what I said. After I cried for a long time I got a clearer view. The person I was frantically begging was me. I was saying, "There must be a way to get out of this. I have to find it. If I do the right thing, I will be free of pain. Tell me what the right thing is!"

I want to know that there is an end to my pain, that pain is not forever. If I can get another job there won't be pain. If I take another class there won't be pain. If I eat veggies and walk every day there won't be pain. How erroneous is THAT thinking. The pain is the pain. It's not job dependent, it's not related to how many carrots I eat, it's not diminished by how much education I have. The pain stands in my way. The pain alone.

If I say that out loud, again, and again, then I must face that there may be no more working for me. I don't want disability. I don't want pain to have that kind of power in my life. I want to be a participant, a contributer, and live-er of life. If I face the truth about the impact of pain in my life, I fear and feel like I won't be any of those things.

Acceptance isn't fun

2009-02-13T15:39:00.000-08:00

Acceptance is a tough thing. I am taking pain classes through my medical insurance provider. I have learned so many interesting and irritating things about chronic pain. Seeing the functional MRI scans of what it does to the brain is startling. I don't like knowing that continued experiences of pain alter how the brain understands and communicates pain signals. I can only hope that it doesn't get any worse.

Willow of my dreams!

2009-02-09T16:02:00.000-08:00

Back from the plant store! I saw the most tranquil Weeping Willow! I felt clam just standing next to it. I need to create my plan and my price list. I could spend loads of money I'm sure. So I'm going to take my time and get a real plan on the table. I also need to mete out my time on the project so that I don't burn out and flare up.

A garden seems like a great way to put what I'm learning in pain management class to work. I will be doing something I take pleasure in. I will be doing it once part at a time so that I don't over do it and bring on a pain flare. By doing something I already like, I get more pleasure action in my brain. I get some activity to maintain physical fitness. I have something wonderful at the end to see and experience every day.

Most importantly, I have a sense of accomplishment. In dealing with chronic pain, I so often feel that I can't do anything of value. I'm not saying that bathing every day and brushing my teeth aren't of value, I'm just looking for something a little bigger. My family benefits too. They get a peaceful place that allows them to relax. Fruit trees and veggie plants will give us food too. There is something for every one in the family.

Garden is a go!

2009-02-09T14:11:00.000-08:00

I am off to investigate the available resources at my near by garden store. My most important job is to price a willow tree for my son. We had one that we bought at a plant sale one year. We'd planted it but then husbandman mowed over it. Being such a young thing, it didn't recover from it's decapitation. My goals is find one that is substantially larger and more resistant to lawn mowers.

My starting square foot ideal is a 3 X 3. I think 9 square feet is a goodly sum for now. That a three trees. Along with the willow, we discussed a lemon tree and an apricot tree. Ultimately, I'd like to have 10 fruit trees but this is how I get ahead of myself and overwhelmed. I am stopping now, I am going to look for a willow tree and cost out the coarse vermiculite. Leaving now... stopping and leaving,.... now... going,.... bye

Garden?

2009-02-04T18:05:00.000-08:00

I have this huge yard. I always say, "I'm going to make a tree house" or "Let's plant some trees" or "We should make the house bigger." I'd love that last one but we just don't have the money. We do however, have the money to get some planters, seeds, and something called coarse vermiculite (mixed with peat moss and compost).

I am very excited. This is seems so do-able. Garden by making a grid and planting each square of the grid with something different. In 9 square feet I can have veggies, strawberries, and flowers. Most importantly, I can see how to do it. I can make a garden in sections. Then I will have a large garden or maybe a small garden will be enough. I am learning that meeting my needs is better than overloading on my wants.

Things overheard in line for free food at Denny's

2009-02-03T13:44:00.001-08:00

Today is free Grand Slam day at Denny's. From 6am to 2pm the were giving away free Grand Slams. It had something to do with the Superbowl or something but I didn't quite get all that. Instead, my two boys and I headed off for adventure.

The original plan, there is always in original plan, was to get up around 9 and be at the nearest establishment by 10am. This would put us in line for the mid morning break. I woke up at 11:10 am. Things were rushed after that. By 11:40 we pulled into the parking lot. There were parking spaces but the line was out the door and down the outside of the restaurant.

My kids didn't want to wait. They said it was only good if it was fast. I tried to explain that nothing free is ever really free. That we'd have to wait in line where ever we went. I suggest the waffle place. They said no, Denny's.

My youngest suggested that we try another restaurant location. We hopped on the interstate (that's for you Caryn!) and took the next exit. The line there was much shorter. The guys still didn't want to wait. After a few go-arounds of the nothing is free conversation, they decided to get out and get in line. I would park the car.

We got in line behind another mother with two children. Here were younger than mine, which are 12 and 14. A 4-5 year old girl and a boy about 8. The line moved about 6 feet after we got in line. We talked about waiting.

She says to her daughter "Don't play in the grass.'

Then, "You will have to wash your hands right away when we get inside."

From the line behind us a yuppie man of 30+/- needs to use the restroom. His friends suggest the hotel or the gas station. He returns to the line 5 minutes later. "The lady in the gas station said there was a bus full of senior citizens here at 6am."

Then "The line went all the way around the restaurant this morning."

"You can go ahead of us. My husband is coming but he isn't here yet." We move past the woman with her two kids. Behind us all is a group of 4 grandmothers. One with a cane. Ahead of us is a bench. We ask them to move ahead of us in line. The two guys, 20 somethings, in front of us, ask them to go ahead of them in the line. No one is angry or affronted. Their seems to be this general sense of a light spot, a win for everyone. We are all happy just be there.

Later, now inside the front door, "They say they estimate serving 150 breakfasts an hour. That's what I heard."

It is the woman with the boy and girl. I gasp. "Really?! Is that for this restaurant?"

"I don't know. I think its an average, like overall."

We are greeted by a tired but very jovial manager. 'Thank you all for being so patient. We will be with you soon." He's right, the line was long and constant. No one yelled, pushed, shoved, argued, or even smoked while waiting. What a great bunch of people live in my town. The restaurant staff was great too!

Once seated, the manager took our drink order and made a few jokes with my kids. The lady behind us in line was seated near us. Her husband still hadn't arrived. Next to use was a grandmother taking her grandson (4 months old?) out for her free meal. Everyone chatted and smiled.

The one grandmother appears to know several other sets of diners. I see only a dollar in her hand. Coffee is now two bucks a cup. I pay her tab and leave her tip. The 4 foot something busser is a older woman. She is clearing, wiping, and mopping as fast as possible. I wonder how many tips will get to her. I have three one's. I roll them up and give them to her.

This is the feeling of the day. Everyone is saying good morning, hello, smiling, and I am even hugged. Thank you Denny's. Whatever happened today was sewn by the decision for the Grand Slam give away. You probably knew that, but I wanted to thank you anyway. That's something I'll send you directly. You won't have to wait to overhear it at your local diner.

Extended Release Lack of Relief

2009-01-31T04:27:00.000-08:00

Here I am at 4:27 am waiting out another medication that has some strange side effects. I am flirting with the idea that pain isn't that bad. I'm not asking it out, I'm just flirting with it. Pain wares me down. It crosses all lines and takes to prisoners. I'm finding out that medications aren't much different. That finding disappoints me.

I know I sound like a whiner, I am a whiner. I want the body I had at 27 back. I want to be 140 pounds. I want to sleep at night and be awake during the day. I don't want to take 3 kinds of laxative to pass stool. Wait, I'm not a whiner. I'm a relentless demanding bovine. MMMMMOOOO!

If I hear one more time how there will be some magic pill that takes this all away, I will scream! There isn't one today. There might not be one for years. I'm living now and now is where I don't have one.

In a world where a certain part of the male body can be made larger, new hair growth fills in bald spots, injections of botulism take away wrinkles (and facial expressions), I want something that lets me live decently and with a little dignity. Scratch that, I want something that works just enough. I can work with the rest.

Medications, side effects, and complex pain.

2009-01-28T15:28:00.000-08:00

Dealing with or "managing" chronic pain is a multifaceted process. An ever increasing facet is the mind body connection. Prayer, meditation, and guided relaxation come up often in articles, classes, and conversation, as does nutrition and exercise. The dominant part of this process is what medication you are taking and how much.

One of the doctors I've seen lately said that I have a "complex pain picture." I have nerve pain, Fibromyalgia, and arthritis. Medications can be very useful. Side effects can be scary but aren't usually an issue for me. My frequent complaint is that I don't experience much pain relief. Last night that changed.

I was on a new medication for nerve pain associated with bulging discs and nerve pinches. The first few days were pretty uneventful. Last night things hit the fan. It started with confusion in the afternoon. By bedtime I was anxious and agitated. After trying to fall asleep for hours, my anxiety bloomed like algae in a sun-warmed, stagnant pond. Breathing was difficult and I was scratching the skin on my forearms from elbow to wrist.

This scared me big time! After using my rescue inhaler, I decided to read the rest of the papers the pharmacist gave me. All of these things I experienced were side effects of this new stuff. At 5:45 I fell asleep knowing that I wouldn't be taking it again anytime soon.

Medication isn't the only answer but being such a strong member of the pain management team, it won't be replaced anytime soon. I continue to look for new answers that won't cause more problems then they are trying to answer. In the back of my mind, I am hoping there will be something when I'm desperate that can take the edge off and let me rest, something that doesn't have major side effects.

Eating as sleep aid?

2009-01-05T00:13:00.000-08:00

As a chronic pain sufferer, I often have a hard time sleeping. Almost every night I lay there for an hour or so uncomfortable, aching, sometimes with pains like razor blades in my back or electricity down my leg. Fibromyalgia is not a recognized impairment for disability claims- permanent that is.

I say that last part with a deep bitterness. Pain brings on it's own issues but poor sleep or lack of sleep is like throwing gas on a fire. I become less and less function until I fall. Then I spend several days in bed, sleeping on and off.

One way to knock myself out was with sleep aids from the Dr. Just like the pain medication, there is a brief respite for a week or so, sometimes only a few days, when I can sleep and function with relative easy. Then it's like I'm taking sugar pills or something. During these times I turn to chocolate, cocoa, candy, whatever.

When I was younger I'd joke "I'm eating my way to a happier me." This was fine when I was already 135 pounds, walking an hour a day, and lifting weights a few times a week. Now I'm over 40 and the weight just hangs on. I didn't change strategies.

The irony is that I still can't sleep. How can I sleep?

2009 right on time

2009-01-01T21:02:00.000-08:00

Another year to try for new things.

Put your actions to work.

I'll tell you what my goals are after they are accomplished!

What Good News, What Bad News

2008-12-31T02:04:00.000-08:00

What good news, my children now 12 and 14 can cook for themselves, clean up after themselves, and trek to fast food without me.

What bad news, I am not essential.

It's like having postpartum depression all over again. I am so proud of what they can do for themselves, how they've grown, what their minds can do. I am so profoundly empty at the loss I feel. It may have been a gradual thing but it felt like a light switch being flicked. Now I am extra, a fifth wheel in a house of a husband and two sons.

Kermit the Frog says "it's not easy being green." Let me tell you how not easy it is to be alone in a home of testosterone. There is all this boy energy and activity. It is very self directed, which I love, but not very mom inclusive. This leads me to getting a life.

It's a dramatic change. Get a life, but my life for 14 years has been my kids. The make do things like getting a teacher credential, and finding a job have been helpful but far less satisfying when compared to being a mother. I love to see my students succeed and move on to college. It's a different kind of satisfaction. Being a mom is the singularity of purpose that I thrive. Time for the next release.

I've Cathy 1.0, the kid, the student, the worker. Then Catherine 2.0 the wife and mother. What will CatB 3.0 be? I'm still downloading that.

HTML-HyperTeasingMisrableLingo

2008-12-23T14:04:00.000-08:00

HTML is, I'm sure, a wonderful and miraculous thing. Today it is a paper cut in my brain, many paper cuts. So I write this Haiku.

HTML what

open tab, close tab, all tabs

color equals blue

Never forget your password!

2008-12-16T20:03:00.000-08:00

I'm back after a password memory lapse. If you have fibromyalgia you know what I am talking about. Thankfully, much of my brain still works.

I have discovered, again, that not eating wheat reduces pain. I am down 5 pounds and down to medication for pain 2 times a day instead of every 6 hours. This makes me very happy. I binge so much less when I don't eat wheat and now corn. I think grains are the gateway food for me. I still like chocolate and who doesn't?

I have started a new blog as well. Now I need to remember what it is! Can you smell the smoke from the gears of my brain? http://a2zhomeschool.com/cgailb/ Hurray!

Delayed Gratification and Ice Cream

2008-12-03T22:11:00.000-08:00

I hate waiting for things. I was born early and have been impatient ever since. Losing weight takes so darn long. Today I came home and for no particular reason other than the sweet creamy taste, I ate 2 dishes of ice cream. 1 was mint, total yum! The second was Rocky Road yum, not total hum, just yum.

How can I get the delayed gratification down? I waited 9 months to have a baby. I made it through school to get 4 different college degrees. Why is this so damn hard?

Maybe it's hard because we have to eat to thrive. Sometimes I just want more. I'm not always eating because of an event from today or some scary childhood memory. Sometimes it just tastes good and that's all there is to it.

How do I get past those times?

Portion Control on Thanksgiving- a new oxymoron?

2008-11-28T12:37:00.000-08:00

I did pretty well on portion control this year. My two eating issues were french bread stuffing-should be illegal, and Milk Duds. The french bread stuffing was a home made deal by my husband. He just "made it up." I meant to ask him how much crack he added. The carbs with butter and egg and whatever else, drove me wild!, in the worst of all possible ways.

Later we went to the movies. I got a fruit icee to drink. I never get those and thought this would be a good one time special event. It was just like the hummingbird mix of my childhood, sweet, fruity, and very red. Owen wanted popcorn. I said I'd get it. I'd already seen this movie but Dad hadn't.

I bought the popcorn and calculated the amount it would be to add the Duds. This should have tipped me off to the fact that I was making the wrong move. I've learned that every time I stop to think about something: food, a wise crack, ditching an obligation; I inevitably make the WRONG choice. Metacognition should be my friend but so far that's only been a 20/20 hindsight experience. Where is a time machine when you need one! Damn you H.G. Wells!

Today, so far, I've only done that once today. If I can keep there, then I am learning.

Keeping up with the Princes

2008-11-26T12:29:00.000-08:00

My mother affectionately calls the boys her princes. They live a charmed life of extensive love, fun, gifts, play, and Pokemon. During this week that I am off of work, I've spent all my time at home with them. I was so busy that I never really got how busy they were.

Monday was a flurry of lessons and errands. By the time we got home at 8:00PM I was totally spent. All together, I'd walked 3o minutes or more, lifted a scooter 6 times (I think), ate a huge salad, and listened to more stories about imaginary characters than I thought possible. I loved every minute.

Today we were out, in the rain, on the scooter again. Non of us cared if we got wet. Up and down the block we went. What fun to just live in the moment and not be held hostage by weight left to lose. I may have a college education, but my kids have got IT, that connection to things that are most important and incidentally, the most relevant.

I vow to spend my time keeping up with the Princes.

New

2008-11-25T20:57:00.001-08:00

Today I did something I haven't done in years, or maybe ever. I rode my son's scooter. We'd gotten it free from a Freecycle listserve we are on. After some minor repair work and a quick cleaning, it was ready to go. My son put on his helmet and rode all round the neighborhood. We went to the movie rental place, drug store, and burger place (it was our oldest dog's birthday and we bought the pack hamburgers).

While on all of these errands, my son asked if I wanted to try. I said yes. I ended up riding the scooter a few times. I really did it! I kept my balance, used the hand break, and a few times had both feet on the running board (for lack of a better word).

This whole experience reminded that there are so many things to do. I think of the same three things: walking, swimming, and machines at the gym. I had fun doing this. Despite my only doing it a few times, I ended up walking over an hour. It was pure joy seeing my son happy and enjoying himself. I felt joy when I rode it too. Cheers for something new!

Out of Doors

2008-11-23T15:10:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I concentrate so hard on what I have to do, eat, not eat, count, and whatever to lose weight. I forget to find things that give me rest and pleasure without adding to the pounds. Today I went for a walk.

What a walk. The air is crisp and autumn like. The light blue sky was clear for miles. I walked, going my own pace and mostly pain free. Swinging my arms, I felt so fresh and alive. I wondered how it was that I could forget something so restorative as this.

Note to self: Take a walk, you love it!

On Track Training Wheels

2008-11-18T22:34:00.001-08:00

I was on track and then I derailed at a bowl of cereal, from then on I ate not one, but both halves of a deluxe cinnamon roll. Fortunately I pulled the emergency food bread just in time. The break was coming here to write it down. Accountability to someone outside of me really puts things in the light and calls my bluff. Once I announce it to the world, I can't rationalize, hide, or otherwise sweep it under the placemat.

Now, what I'd really like is to declare Fatruptcy and move on. Fat chance of that. I'm going to take this opportunity to do some yoga and meditate- and not eat anymore food.

Sleep

2008-11-16T22:16:00.000-08:00

Finally able to sleep with some regularity, I am at ease. I am also able to skip mid-night eating. That is such a problem. It is so easy for me to wait, watching the clock until it is technically the next day, the next period I can eat something. Tonight I don't have that as much as I used to. I am ready for sleep and I hope to enjoy it.

On Track Clickity Clack!

2008-11-16T14:04:00.000-08:00

Back on track. I made it to Weight Watchers yesterday and I bought a new eating log. So far so good. I managed what I ate when we ate out. Good, I feel good. Whoo! Whoo! Chugga! Chugga!

I finished all my class work and turned it in. I even played Scrabble with my son and my husband. I lose but I had fun. Last night I got some extra sleep to boot! I need to stay on track and keep on going. Keep on going.

One Very Last Bite

2008-11-14T23:38:00.000-08:00

I have this idea that I can just stop eating what I shouldn't eat. That I can tank up and have a last bite, one very last bite and then just give it all up. I usually follow this day with a 24 hour juice and water cleanse. Tonight fit that mode of eating.

I ended my work week, talked myself out of getting an ice cream pie at the Weinerschnitzle and ended up getting "healthy" foods as Walmart. Healthy only works when you eat one serving. I emptied one bag of nut clusters- not chocolate covered, those True North kind that I love. At one point I was even careful enough to take the "clusters" out so that I could pour the broken pieces over dutch chocolate ice cream and whipped cream - REAL whipped cream. Yum and totally NOT what I need to meet my health needs. They did stop my mind for reeling and that was what I wanted them to do. Like a good friend, they didn't let me down.

Using the numbering feature I will outline my stresses.

I just came back to work after a week off due to back pain, numbness, tingling, and a very frightening MRI experience.
A very frightening MRI experience. If you haven't had one, it's like being strapped to a door and slid into a long garbage can, where you friend's beat the sides with baseball bats while humming loudly. (I have to date 6 bulging dics, degenerative disc disease, at other things)
A job that is very demanding and requires constant adjustment and adaptation.
Discovering my medication are not doing much for the pain.
Using a cane to walk and hating it.
Feeling like my doctors don't understand that taking medications that cause drowsiness and driving a car don't work.
Homeschooling two fantastic kids.
Counting my lucky stars that my husband does what he can and hating that he is out of town.
Oh and grading, oh grading!

Add this to my not attending Weight Watchers for three weeks and there is enough guild to choke a large horse. Feeling the flood of anxiety, I ate. Without eating I feel like I'm falling or flying apart into little pieces.

The best defense for me is not even starting to eat. No wheat, no candy, no soda. If I don't start, I won't binge, no matter how upset I am. I will feel the feelings, deal with the issues, and move on. This week that didn't happen.

So I've one very last bitten, one very last bite. Very last. As Lucy says to Charlie Brown, "Once you know what your problem is you can label it." Here are some of the labels I give myself, Binge Eater, Addict, Food Addict. I say "I'm eating my way to a happier me!," "If I eat something I will feel better," "I can always go on a diet tomorrow," "One bite won't hurt."

Hurting hurts, and over eating is incompatible with not hurting. To have less physical pain, I have to weigh less. To weigh less I have to eat less. I've got the exercise covered. To quit the every wise Frog, from Frog and Toad, "What we need is will power." I need that too.

Common Sense

2008-11-14T06:30:00.000-08:00

Common sense sounds normal. Thomas Paine wrote an entire text on it. Still it is so hard to just follow common sense, or even hear it over the roar of food. Food is so loud. and my gut brain has ears only for that sound. I am weary from it's pulling me around gut first.

I need to not make decisions with my gut. My gut tells me things that aren't true like "I'll just have one" ; "This is new! I better have one." ; "I feel so crappy, I deserve to have one." My gut is The Decider. It wants eating things to be true. It makes thruthiness out of compulsion. When I pop that "just one bite" into my mouth, my gut rolls out that Mission Accomplished banner.

I am The Decider. My gut does what I say. I know the way out of this and it means leaving my gut behind and using common sense, despite the pain. Thank you Thomas.

I'm a Fat Cat Food Addict

2008-11-13T23:20:00.000-08:00

I am a food addict. There are days, or even several times in a day, where I cannot think, do, or make anything until I have food. The more sugar, chocolate, or carb laden the better. This scares me. You have to eat to live but I am eating to eat, to cover confusion, anger, physical pain, despair at physical pain treatment not working, to not feel how fat I am. Ironic and empty at the same time.

I hunt in my kitchen. I scavenge at work. I get a quick bit at the drive-thru or walk to the store on break to get a little something.

In truth, I have lost 4o pounds over the last few years. 25 of them since January.

I am overwhelmed by what is required of me. The pain of arthritis, degenerative disc disease, spinal stenosys, fibromyalgia, and asthma, sit on my back like a Catholic nun monkey. Watching and waiting for me to turn the wrong way and twist something, to fall down and strain something, to go that one bit to far.

Eating wise, I fall down, I get up, I fall down, I get up, I fall down,... and still I get back up. I guess that's the important part, the back up getting.

I am a food addict. I have no control over it. I turn my life, my pain, and my addiction over to a higher power.